Supporting You

Friends

 

“The friend who can be silent with us in moments of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in hours of grief, who can tolerate not knowing…not healing, not curing… that is a friend who truly cares.”

- Henri Nouwen

 
 

Friends of bereaved parents have incredible power to help throughout the grieving journey. Friends can offer objectivity that family members often cannot. Friends can encourage expression of the wide range of emotions experienced after a perinatal loss or a child loss.


Losing a child is unlike any other grief. It is a long-term, exhausting endeavor. Never expect the parent to “be over it” in a few weeks or months. They are going to need support in varying degrees for years. There is nothing that anyone can do to “fix” them. They will never be the same. With love and support and much time, they can emerge as beautifully broken souls. They will look at their world through different eyes. They will reflect upon and cherish the people who stood by their side and they may push away those who didn’t. They will never get tired of telling the same stories and they will need someone to patiently listen. Bereaved parents feel validated when friends remember important days and openly speak about their child.

Many of us are ‘fixers’ and when faced with friends who are hurting in this way, it feels out of control and hard because it is not fixable. Since we can’t change or fix the situation, what can we do?

  • Listen

  • Talk about the child

  • Ask questions about the child

  • Spend time with them

  • Show up

  • Say the child’s name

  • Never forget

  • Be patient

  • Don’t judge

  • Help them find resources

  • Remember that their way may be different than your way of grieving

  • In other words, just be their friend rather than a problem solver and you will be on the right path.